Durin's Testimony
Growing up I always felt extremely isolated. We lived out in the country and there were not that many neighbors around. In a sense, I raised myself as far as childhood went. It was not a bad childhood by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I always look back on my years growing up fairly fondly, except for the fact of an oppressive loneliness.
You see my Dad is one of those people that are destined to be a successful businessman. I don't know if he would have considered himself to be driven but at that time in my life (1-13), I very rarely had any interaction with my Father. Ohh he was around, I mean I would see him on weekends and sporadically during the week. He was either working on some business project, or he was working on our farm. It takes a really type A personality to take up farming for a hobby. If you wanted to spend time with Dad you had to enter his world, he was not going to enter yours.
My Mother on the other hand was always a presence in out home. Mom was always working on setting up some party or she was involved in one of her projects. Mom has an air of formality and somehow I always felt out of place in her life. I was Loved, but in a formal distant way.
If you think that I am just someone who is out there complaining about their parents, believe me I am not. They did the best they could for me, and they have given me every advantage in life. I would be the last person to complain. However it does affect the whole beginning of one's life and hopefully makes sense as the testimony unfolds.
So in my isolation there came a spark, a light, a Joy. When my brother Tom was in school his teacher made him watch the animated version of J.R.R. Tolkiens The Hobbit . Back then there were only three channels so the whole family ended up watching The Hobbit . The movie The Hobbit was a turning point in my life. It drew in me a desire and joy that was intense. C.S. Lewis in his book Surprised by Joy wrote of a similar experience he had.
"I heard a voice that cried,
Baldur the beautiful
Is dead, is dead
I knew nothing about Baldur; but instantly I was uplifted into huge regions of northern sky, I desired with almost sickening intensity something never to be described and then, as in the other examples, found myself at the very same moment already falling out of that desire and wishing I were back in it.
The reader who finds these episodes of no interest need read this book no further, for in a sense the central story of my life is about nothing else. I will only underline the quality common to the experiences; it is that of an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it Joy, which ....must be sharply distinguished both from Happiness and from Pleasure. Joy has indeed one characteristic, and one only in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that, and considered only in its quality, it might almost equally well be called a particular kind of unhappiness or grief. But then it is a kind we want. I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasures in the world. But then Joy is never in our power and pleasure often is."
That is what the movie The Hobbit and later the book produced in me. In fact the rest of my testimony is about the same search for Joy that C.S. Lewis talked about. The next time that Joy stabbed my heart was when I pulled the book Ozma of Oz off the school library shelves when I was in second grade. Just as The Hobbit had produced an intense longing in my soul so did Ozma of Oz. I don't know what it was that drew me toward the doors of "Elfland" but it was my consuming desire from that point onward. I believe that it was the stamp of God on my heart that drew me to these transcendent supernatural tales. Ozma of Oz raised new horizons to my sights; there were more Oz books out there. So I traveled in Oz, Narnia, Prydain and in all those stories I could get my hands on.
When I was in the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade a series of events started to occur during that time period that were to have a profound effect on the rest of my life. The first one was that Mom and Dad had decided that I would be able to go to a private school where my brother Tom had attended. Tom was five grades ahead of me, and he was switching schools also. He would be going to a prestigious college prep school an hour away from Home. My oldest brother James was already a sophomore at the local catholic high school.
Both of my brother's were entering into a period of intense rebellion against my parents. Not that my parents did not need to be rebelled against. Both Mom and Dad are good people, but their desire to see their children succeed above all else soured my brother's relationship with them. I am sure that my parents had other desires and wishes for my brothers but our home was one based on performance. In the ensuing power struggle that would occur in our home, I retreated further into "Elfland". I was generally for my parents in the events that followed only because I wanted the tranquility of the status quo. You see at that time, I never really had a relationship with either of my two brothers. At that age, five and seven grades apart are an eternity of difference.
Also at this time my Mother became a born again Christian. I remember how embarrassed I was that my Mom wanted to tell a gas station attendant about Jesus. Mom had such a joy in the light God had shed abroad in her heart. Unfortunately her Church did her a grave disservice. Mom jumped through all the hoops to become an Episcopal priest but in the end was denied that position. Mom had a desire to serve God. In the Episcopalian church one of the few outlets for service was to become an Episcopal Priest. Mom felt called to become a priest. The Episcopalian Church had just started ordaining women. So, at this time Mom started going to school part-time to get her master's of Divinity degree. The seminary she started going to was a Methodist seminary an hour and a half away.
Since Mom was going to seminary and Tom was also going to school an hour away Mom developed this grueling car pool system. Riding with my mother and Tom for four hours a day did not appeal to me in the least. I would often ask for my brother James or Dad to drop me off at school. The private school was just a block down from the local library. I would get out of school by 3:00p.m. and I would walk to the Library. Someone, either Dad or Mom would pick me up around 6:00p.m. to 6:30p.m. and take me home. I remember one day it was getting late. The library closed at 9:00p.m., I knew that Mom or Dad had forgotten to pick me up. I could have called my grandparents or someone, but I wanted to know if anyone would remember. Around 8:40 or something Dad walked in and grabbed me. No one had noticed that I was not at home. I think shortly after that Dad had my brother Tom pick me up when he got his license.
I really enjoyed the private school that I attended. They were big on the creativity of children. It was a school where a kid could be a kid and I truly enjoyed it. I let my imagination run wild, and at this time I was truly an inhabitant of "Elfland". I had an unlimited book budget at this time, (something I wish I had now) I would walk across the street to the local bookstore where my parents had an account. I bought whatever books struck my fancy and I charged them to Dad.
It was at this time where my excursions into "Elfland" started to have an adverse effect on me. One negative effect was that I neglected my homework and studies. I would much rather read The Belgariad or read a Xanth book than to do my math. In truth, I have a lazy streak a mile wide. Another effect of my travels in "Elfland"was that the Occult drew me like a magnet. I would check out books from the library on Palm Reading, Astrology, and whatever else I could find. I dabbled in the fringes of the occult; I read palms, I had my palms read, I consulted my horoscope, I played with a Ouija board, I cast Norse Runes, and eventually I dabbled in Wicca. In all my occult dabbling I could never give myself to it freely because something screamed to me, "This is wrong".
You see I was like a rubber band or a rope being tugged between two opposing forces. I was raised in a religious household. My Mother was Episcopalian and my Father was Catholic. From a young age I had a desire to know God. I remember that I would dedicate myself to reading a Bible story each day. I rarely kept my resolutions but I made them frequently. There was a continuing warfare over my soul. I used to have horrible nightmares and I was oppressed by a horrible spirit of fear. I used to be so fearful that I took to wearing a wooden cross at all times.
My life continued on in this manner through high school and up to my sophomore year at college. I was still very much a loner both in high school and in college. I had many acquaintances but very few friends. I liked college much more than high school, but the setting away from home produced a melancholy that was hard to shake off.
One of the things I liked to do was to go down to the common room and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. Many times when I would watch Star Trek a student from India named Ram would watch the show also. Ram and I got to know each other passingly well. One day I asked him if he was a Hindu. I was curious about all things spiritual, and I was taking a History of India class.
Ram's response to me was "I don't believe in that stuff, I am a born-again Christian". Well this response was defiantly an interesting one. Growing up a hybrid Episcopalian/Catholic I had always looked down on fundamentalists. My Father had a dim view of "holy rollers". I had a strong curiosity about this Indian, born again Christian. Ram and I would talk about the Bible and I would argue the part of the skeptic. "How could Methuselah live to be 900 years old?" In a sense Ram never answered my questions, he gave me some answers to questions I never thought to ask.
Ram said something one day when we were talking in my dorm room that I will always remember. Ram saw all the Dragon Lance and Forgotten Realms posters and calendars on my wall. Ram discerned how spiritually hungry I was. Ram said "Your desire for magic is just the hunger in your heart for the power of God." Ram was one of those Christians that believed in the gifts of the Spirit and God's majestic power. I had never heard anyone who had such zeal and love for God. My faith was such a shallow dead thing in comparison to Ram's. I hoped there was a God but I had never had an encounter with God. Ohh I had been to church weekly, but my church going had a form of godliness only. I thought long about Ram's statement, and in my heart I knew he had hit home.
A few weeks later Ram asked me if I would go to Church with him. I told him I would and on a rainy weekday evening I went to church with Ram. A very sweet, very short black lady picked Ram and I up at our dorm and took us to a church meeting. I have to tell you I was feeling very intimidated and nervous. The church was very different than the churches I was used to. Instead of an altar there was a drum set and music equipment. The Worship music was completely different; people raised and clapped their hands during Worship, which was a complete shocker. In my home church it seemed like there was a contest on who could be the most stoic. I was used to mumbling Hymns not singing them.
There was a young preacher who pranced around the sanctuary instead of standing behind the lectern. I was intrigued by the strangeness of it all, so different from the Catholic or Episcopalian church. At the end of the service there was an altar call. I knew that I needed what Ram had and I found myself standing up and walking to the front of the church. I know that a gentleman prayed for me and probably led me in the equivalent of the sinner's prayer. I answered in the affirmative, but truthfully everything was a blur. I did not feel any different than I did before my trip to the altar, but I had made a commitment to God. God on his throne had heard.
I never went back to that church but the decision I had made that evening would continue to form me. I had a desire to read the Bible. One day I was reading the gospel of John.
"One of the disciples, Thomas (nicknamed the Twin), was not with the others when Jesus came. They told him, 'We have seen the Lord!' But he replied, 'I won't believe it unless I see the nail wounds in his hands, put my fingers into them, and place my hand into the wound in his side'
Eight days later the disciples were together again, and this time Thomas was with them. The doors were locked; but suddenly as before, Jesus was standing among them. He said, 'Peace be with you.' Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here and see my hands. Put your hand into the wound in my side. Don't be faithless any longer. Believe!'
'My Lord and my God!' Thomas exclaimed.
Then Jesus told him, 'You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who haven't seen me and believe anyway.'"John 20:24-29)
As I read that passage I was filled with the Holy Spirit. It was a feeling of such Love, Joy, and Acceptance. I felt burden's I carried for years falling off my shoulders. There is no way I can truly describe the wonderful feeling of knowing Love for the first time. Tears coursed down my cheeks, as God washed me out on the inside with his Love. Experiencing the Mercy and Grace of Jesus, changed my life. I was truly born again by the Spirit. To know Him as my Lord and Savior is my fulfillment.
Many people would say my imaginary travels in "Elfland" did me harm. And it is true that for a while my travels did me more harm than good. But in the end it was my desire for Joy that propelled me into the loving arms of Jesus. You see "Elfland" is a realm that goes in two directions. One way leads to the Occult and all that entails. The other way in Elfland leads to the very throne room of God. Can you hear the Horns of Elfland calling? The Great Hunt is on, the Hound of Heaven is following your scent. Let him catch you, you will not regret it.
Psalm 84
How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty.
I long, yes, I faint with longing to enter the courts of the Lord.
With my whole being, body and soul, I will shout joyfully to the living God.
Even the sparrow finds a home there, and the swallow builds her nest and raises
her young-at a place near your altar, O Lord Almighty, my King and my God!
How happy are those who can live in your house, always singing your praises.
Happy are those who are strong in the Lord, who set their minds on a pilgrimage
to Jerusalem.
When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place
of refreshing springs, where pools of blessing collect after the rains!
They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in
Jerusalem.
O Lord God Almighty, hear my prayer.
Listen, O God of Israel.
O God, look with favor upon the king, our protector!
Have mercy on the one you have anointed.
A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else!
I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God
than live the good life in the homes of the wicked.
For the Lord God is our light and protector.
He gives us grace and glory.
No good thing will the Lord withhold from those who do what is right.
O Lord Almighty, happy are those who trust in you.
